Dear younger me

Dear younger me,

One day you will grow up to find & marry your best friend & soul mate, you will fall more in love with him everyday & want to have his babies.. Trying will break your heart month after month year after year. 7 years of trying only to find out 6yrs in that IVF is your only option using a sperm donor. It will break you but also help to make you stronger & over come your fear of needles.

It will help you gain patience, but also try that very same patience at the same time. So much waiting and so much heartache but it won't stop you from trying to make your biggest dream come true come hell or high water. It will also not stop you from falling more in love with your husband even on the days he drives you crazy & tries your patience (that's marriage).

Having a tiny human to one day call you mommy will be your biggest accomplishment in life, you will learn so much you never thought you would have to learn. How to love harder even on the days your heart hurts more than you ever thought possible. How to not give up on your biggest dream, how to wait day in & day out for the one dream you want more than anything to come true.

You Will also learn that not every one will understand your journey or how you feel, even your husband. And that's ok not everyone needs to understand how you feel, it's your journey not theirs even if They're walking beside you on this heartbreaking lonely, heart& soul crushing journey they will never understand but most will try to support you & others won't know how. The ones who don't know how to support you aren't meant to be a part of your path.

Infertility will break you so much more than you ever thought possible, its exhausting, heartbreaking, trying & so so very lonely even if you aren't alone nothing can really change that, but you will try so hard to refuse to let it consume your entire being. You Will spend a lot of time crying & being angry at the world. You will also spend a lot of time wondering what you ever did to deserve to go thru something so f'ing hard but know this you didn't do anything wrong & didn't do anything to cause your infertility..

You just got dealt a really shitty deck of cards because god knew you were strong enough to handle it. Some days you will be sick of crying more than others but those tears you cry are ok & healing. You will grow up learning to bottle up your feelings thinking that it helps, but i promise you bottling them up Just makes them so much worse. Going thru IVF and infertility will make you out to be a very angry sad person when other people make comments that are uncalled for or hurt you& no matter what anyone says your feelings are 100% valid even if they don't feel like they are.

They don't understand. Only your opinion of your feelings are valid and the ones who matter. You will never let the hard shit you go thru break you. You Will always be kind even when others give you many reasons not to be, because you know what it feels like to have people be mean to you. One day you will succeed on having your biggest dream come true, but first You'll be put thru hell to get there. But You're strong, fierce & you've got this mama.

Love 37yr old you