The following letter was a letter I wrote on Jan 1st 2022, to help to heal my heart after my very first embryo transfer failed in December, found out just before Christmas & was completely crushed. Sadly a month & 21 days after writing this letter our second embryo transfer was also not successful... We now have one embryo left of 3, crossing my fingers & toes that 3rd time is a charm. 🤞🤞
Dear Future baby,
I hope and pray you know how much you are wanted, wishes for, prayed for & loved you are the most wanted thing in my life & I would go to the ends of the earth for you if I knew you would of come into my life tomorrow. My heart aches for you in a way I never felt possible. When I am writing this I have never met you yet, but been trying for 7years to conceive you. But that doesn't mean I don't think about you a lot or wonder who you will be.
I can't wait for the day we meet because I know God will bless me with the greatest gift a human can receive... YOU!!! I dream everyday if the beautiful moment you'll come into not only my life but this world. You'll leave an ever lasting glow in my heart like you do this ever lasting ache waiting for you.
I know it will make me eternally happy no matter what conflicts may arise in life. Although it's nice to dream I know that what I'm imagining now won't compare to what it'll actually feel like when your here.
I pray you get to know real love and real friendship. I pray you never have to feel your heart aching in your chest as you hold yourself at night. I hope this world never hardens your heart & you always know the difference between what is real & what is nothing more than an illusion of paradise, I want you to be fearless and true to yourself all the days of your life.
You are the one who made me a mom after years of heartbreak. I would be lying if I said it was easy, but I wouldn't trade all the lessons or heartbreak for the world that it took to bring you into this world. IVF was physically, emotionally & mentally hard on my body, but if it weren't for IVF we wouldn't have you & for that I am truly grateful. Sometimes I may mess up or not have enough energy or show you the grace that you deserve & some days I might let you down, but everyday my sweet child everyday I will love you more than the last & I hope you will always see how much you are loved.
You are one of the best things to happen in my life, even if you took years to become a reality. I hope you have a giant heart like I do, but never let the world change you. When we tried to get pregnant we never thought or imagined it would be so hard to bring you into this world.
My biggest hope for you is that you one day find someone who loves you more than anything in life (including us) because you are deserving of a love so strong it moves mountains. I also pray one day you never know the heartache we went thru to bring you into this world & that you are able to become a parent on your own terms, not at the mercy of the universe, source or god.
I pray you never grow to old to think your mom is cool & you one day grow up the be my best friend. As I write this letter on Jan 1st 2022 we have already had a failed embryo transfer & holding onto hope that transfer #2 is the one that brings you to us!!! I love you more than you will ever know my sweet baby & cannot wait for you to grow in my belly, hold you in my arms & love you for real, instead of holding you in my heart.
Love your mommy xoxo
Dear younger me,
One day you will grow up to find & marry your best friend & soul mate, you will fall more in love with him everyday & want to have his babies.. Trying will break your heart month after month year after year. 7 years of trying only to find out 6yrs in that IVF is your only option using a sperm donor. It will break you but also help to make you stronger & over come your fear of needles.
It will help you gain patience, but also try that very same patience at the same time. So much waiting and so much heartache but it won't stop you from trying to make your biggest dream come true come hell or high water. It will also not stop you from falling more in love with your husband even on the days he drives you crazy & tries your patience (that's marriage).
Having a tiny human to one day call you mommy will be your biggest accomplishment in life, you will learn so much you never thought you would have to learn. How to love harder even on the days your heart hurts more than you ever thought possible. How to not give up on your biggest dream, how to wait day in & day out for the one dream you want more than anything to come true.
You Will also learn that not every one will understand your journey or how you feel, even your husband. And that's ok not everyone needs to understand how you feel, it's your journey not theirs even if They're walking beside you on this heartbreaking lonely, heart& soul crushing journey they will never understand but most will try to support you & others won't know how. The ones who don't know how to support you aren't meant to be a part of your path.
Infertility will break you so much more than you ever thought possible, its exhausting, heartbreaking, trying & so so very lonely even if you aren't alone nothing can really change that, but you will try so hard to refuse to let it consume your entire being. You Will spend a lot of time crying & being angry at the world. You will also spend a lot of time wondering what you ever did to deserve to go thru something so f'ing hard but know this you didn't do anything wrong & didn't do anything to cause your infertility..
You just got dealt a really shitty deck of cards because god knew you were strong enough to handle it. Some days you will be sick of crying more than others but those tears you cry are ok & healing. You will grow up learning to bottle up your feelings thinking that it helps, but i promise you bottling them up Just makes them so much worse. Going thru IVF and infertility will make you out to be a very angry sad person when other people make comments that are uncalled for or hurt you& no matter what anyone says your feelings are 100% valid even if they don't feel like they are.
They don't understand. Only your opinion of your feelings are valid and the ones who matter. You will never let the hard shit you go thru break you. You Will always be kind even when others give you many reasons not to be, because you know what it feels like to have people be mean to you. One day you will succeed on having your biggest dream come true, but first You'll be put thru hell to get there. But You're strong, fierce & you've got this mama.
Love 37yr old you
• Even though you think she is strong, she is having a hard time holding herself together after another failed transfer.
• She may not look like she is falling apart but her heart is shattered in a million pieces, every time her dream gets pushed back.
• Just because she has a smile on her face doesn’t mean she isn’t torn up inside and struggling to keep it all together.
• Every time her cycle fails she feels like it pushes her dreams further away from reality.
• Every time she is out in public and sees a pregnant person or new born baby her heart breaks even more than it was before.
• Infertility is on her mind 24/7 and not just some switch she can shut off, because it consumes her life, a huge part of her life.
• She would never wish how she feels on her worst enemy.
• When you announce your pregnancy, she is happy for you, but devastated for herself.
• Wondering why she can’t have kids is a question always at the front of her mind, why her, what did she do so wrong?
• She is grieving the life she thought she would have by now, and the dream that has yet to come true.
• That although she would never wish this on her worst enemy sometimes she wishes people would have to walk in her shoes to know how she feels. Because they will never understand.
• She is anxious, all the time & not because she wants to be.. but because it comes with the territory of infertility and she can’t just turn it off.
• She really loves you and your kids, but if she goes MIA and doesn’t talk to you, or see you for months or years it’s not because she doesn’t want to be your friend… she does, but seeing you have what she wants more than anything is hard to watch.
• She cries, a lot… like all the time & really wished she knew how to stop.
• Even though she has a tribe behind her & knows it, she can’t help but feel like it’s the loneliest journey in the world.
• Even if she appears to be happy, she is struggling deep down & needs you to check up on her but doesn’t want to ask.
• She doesn’t mean to ignore you when you stop talking for weeks or months.. but sometimes she needs a break from everything.
• She knows deep down you don't mean to be insensitive, but asking if she's ever thought of adoption, or a surrogate hurts her more than anyone will ever understand.
• She would walk to the ends of the earth to make her bigger dream of becoming a mom come true.
• She can't help it when the fear takes over, even when she would rather stay hopeful.
• She doesn’t need the toxic positivity, if you aren't sure what to say just tell her how sorry you are she is stuck walking this heart breaking path, instead of telling her to stay positive.
• Some days her heart breaks more than others and she wishes she could just hide from the world.
• She loves babies but sometimes can't be around them because it hurts her heart more than anything.
• She doesn't expect anyone to truly understand how she feels because she knows it's impossible, even if you've been thru the same thing.
• She doesn’t want to be sad, but infertility is all consuming and not something she can just let go of, it is her reality.
• She would do anything to not have 5 million doctors up in her business.
• She will never be the person she was before Infertility & needs you to support her instead of abandon her.
• Sometimes she really wants to cry but tears won't come out, and not because she's trying to be strong.
Oct 3rd was your very first ultrasound, after two amazing betas coming back positive and way higher than expected, first one needing to be ...
